Fall for me, don’t fall apart

I’m thankful. I truly am. I’ve been pushing everyone away and somehow someone always fills in the gap to remind me that I’m remembered and loved. People I haven’t talked to in weeks, months, and some in years randomly pop up checking up on me.

Lowkey I’m not sure why I matter to people. I disappear from peoples lives months and years at time but somehow they remember and think about me. Are you all so damaged that you need someone like me in your life? I’m just here doing my own thing moving forward until I can’t.

In the past few months I’ve undergone another procedure involving 2 doctors and 7 hours with them and their knife. I legitimately did not think I’d live through it and probably the only surgery I was truly scared of. My intuition is pretty good at protecting me and keeping me alive which I have to fight and push against often. It sure as hell wasn’t wrong this time.

Half a year into recovery and I’m still having new issues pop up. Exhaustion takes the best of me most days and I get maybe an hour or two of sanity before I fall back into a reserved existence state. As if my brain isn’t confused enough these days, I’m on sleeping meds that give me such vivid dreams that I can no longer discern what is real or fake.

I still wear a smile on my face though. Sometimes just being amused by how far behind I am on schoolwork; other times because I’m so drugged up that maybe things don’t matter.

It’s the night before Thanksgiving and I tried my hardest to spend it alone this year but I was asked out and dragged to maybe eat and for sure shop with her and her bf.

I really do love you all. As much as I push people away, I genuinely loved you if you stay.

Happy Turkeyday everyone. 

Hopefully the last time

It’s done and over with. Hopefully the last time I ever need surgery. It’s been a long 4 years with one operation a year consecutively.

What I’ve learned:

• General anesthesia will leave you feeling really really depressed when you wake up for a week afterward
• I reach out to someone, anyone when I first “wake” without being concious
• Going in alone sucks, waking up alone sucks even more
• IV, painkillers, Catheter bag, and anti blood clot devices make it really really hard to relieve myself on the toilet
• Not all nurses are created equal
• Doctors do their best and if their best isn’t good enough, find someone new
• Being in bed for more than 2 days drive me batty
• Pain killers make me hallucinate easily, especially the ones that go in the IV
• 4th time in and it’s still no easier
• I don’t like being a useless sack of meat afterward
• I don’t like being cut open

 

Atonement

I had just finished the novel in the span of one day. Jesus, this book hurts in ways I didn’t think would. Perhaps it’s my hormonal balance being off or that I’m having a stressful week but finishing this book makes me want to cry.

It outlines how unfair life is and I’m more than certain everyone can relate to parts of this book one way or another. Above all else though, it both infuriates me and reduces me down to a bag of emotional mess to know that the innocent suffer while the wrongful succeed.

I hate it.

My take away from the entire novel can be summarized in this quote:

“From this new and intimate perspective, she learned a simple, obvious thing she had always known, and everyone knew: that a person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn, not easily mended.” (287)

It’s often easy to break people when there is a lack of understanding. True empathy is hard and even then what can be done to amend the unfixable? Empty comfort is all that’s left.

Among the stresses of class, money, and family; I have one thing on my mind as of recent. Surgery is in two days.

It’s unfortunate that no one is able to accompany me this time around. Perhaps it’s fine. I feel the need to be alone anyway. Nothing bad will happen if there’s no one around me and nothing to disappoint.

 

My hair is pink and purple

I’ve uncovered my desires and no longer ashamed to admit what I long for.

My hair is pink and purple.

I’m looking for you in a dream, I’m afraid to be alone.

I wear make up so people will see how pretty I am.

You are white, blue, and blond; the things I am not.

My heels put me above everyone else.

You are pretty, far prettier than I will ever be.

My clothes are expensive. I own them.

My eyes cower in yours yet I won’t stop looking. We should never meet.

I am clear, substantial, and capable. I will find you.

You leave me nothing but a stuttering speechless mess.

My hair is pink and purple.

I Remember You

Follow me, to a place where we can be
Free from all external things
Keeping you away from me
Away from me

Take my hand, don’t be scared
There is no plan
Just the moments that we have
Nothing is the same without
You around

An electric feeling of knowing something was to start
And when our eyes met the world had disappeared into the stars
When the forces pulled us close, seemed impossible to go
In the opposite direction but now I am all alone

I remember you
I remember you
In love, in love, in love, in love
I remember you

An electric feeling of knowing something was to start
And when our eyes met the world had disappeared into the stars
I remember you
When the forces pulled us close, seemed impossible to go
In the opposite direction but now I am all alone
In love, in love

How much is dignity worth?

Can you put a price on self worth?

I’ve been trading myself to feel something yet the costs are still hidden to me. I’m not certain how much I will have to pay in the end.

I can’t tell if this is good nor bad. It feels kind of numb I think.

Maybe

Mama told me it would be fine
And daddy told me it would get brighter soon
If Vida said the circle is right
Why can’t I seem to take my mind off you?

And though you find, everything is where you left it
Yet in your mind, you can’t quite accept it now
That sometimes doing what you don’t want to do
Is right

There aint no reason why
For remorse and crying now
Regretting when the time is now
To let go, to exhale, to bow out

The candle’s burning out
Ain’t no use in sighing now
I see no point in lying about it to ourselves
When we’ve reached
The end

Dedicated moving on
As soon as I utter my words to this here
With every single drop of this ink
I know that you can feel the seasons shifting

Maybe someday we can both say
(our decision was for the best, our decision was for the best)
Maybe someday, someday

I can’t believe how difficult it is to bake a soft chewy loaf of bread

I’ve been feeling extremely emotional and unsettled since I’ve been back. It’s just been a bit off as I am noticing things that are slightly different than I had remembered them to be. I had looked forward to coming home for 3/4 of the year and now that I am here, I am uncertain if I really want to be here. Oddly enough, my bed that I’ve spent half my life sleeping on gives me back pain and I had assumed this was normal this entire time. Whatever the case is, I’ll be leaving again for Minnesota in about 9 days.

I’ve been filling my days with random things.

Cooookies!

I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies that turned out well in Minneapolis but for some reason ended up tasting like bread with chocolate chips in it. Eugh. I blame the measuring spoons. The “teaspoon” isn’t really a teaspoon. Half way through making these cookies, I had a great idea to solder in a cable somewhere to get an AUX input to my dads car since I can’t stand going without music >.<

4Runner disassembled!

This deck is so blah. Oh well. 1999.

I honestly had no idea what I was doing here and I soldered this wire to random things that I thought might possibly been the input. There were no guides to follow for this specific model 😦

 

Three hours later and a few prods with the multimeter, I eventually got it to work! At the sacrifice of the CD portion of this headunit, I was able to add in an AUX cable and play off of my phone! Worth it. The next day I decided to go riding and meet up with Irving for lunch!

Selfie with my bike ehehe

Rode around with Irving for a bit!

Irving rides like a madman. I forget how fast he can ride and I also forgot how fast my bike is so I spent half the time scared shitless teleporting around on the freeways. It’s been quite a while since I’ve ridden >.< I need to bring her to MN with me next summer. Apart from relaxing here, there seems to be a fair amount of chores that my dad has me doing. His car was on this list of things to do and I spent a few hours today pulling the old plugs out from the Tacoma Pre-runner.

Pairing an I4 engine on a pickup truck honestly seems like a horrible thing to do. THERE’S NO POWER >.<

I suppose at least that makes things easier to work on though. These came out relatively easily.

Old VS New!

The only things left on the list of chores is that I’m supposed to set up some way to split video from one HDMI output to multiple rooms in the house (for cheap), learn C#, and bake a loaf of bread. A good loaf. Seriously. I can’t believe how difficult it is to bake a soft chewy loaf of bread @_@

As my dad said “You can throw this to San Francisco from here and it still wouldn’t break.”

 

 

I’m happy to be home.

It is good to finally be home. I can’t believe I spent a semester in MN by myself already. It feels almost like a dream looking back on it. As I got off the plane and sat in the car ride home, I zoned out and remembered where I was and the things that I used to do as if it was yesterday.

It’s such an odd sensation since I know I haven’t been back for 3/4 of the year. Many things have changed in my absence but it’s mostly my parents. They’ve gotten much older and a bit more senile during my absence and it’s a tad bit saddening. My father misses a lot of what I say and he tries to help me but understandably gets in the way. It’s both sweet and disheartening at the same time.

Aside from that, my mother won’t stop giving me shit about my hair. “it’s so ugly” “go to the hair stylist and wash it off” “it looks so fake”

Okay. So it’s a tad bit red. It could be worse. But you know what? I like it. End of story.

Either way, I’m happy to home.

I feel a bit less alone

I received one hell of a surprise today.

I was walking back from grabbing dinner with Kimberleigh and checking my mail through the front desk and I saw a tiny post it stuck to my mail box telling me I have a package. I didn’t think much of it as I had ordered a bunch of things from Black Friday shopping in preparation for a friends wedding I’m going to be attending soon. Approaching the counter to get my package from the attendant there, she already knew what to get and brought out this box of flowers O_O.

For a good 30 seconds, I recall just standing there staring at the thing and just speechless. I began to look for indications that perhaps maybe this was intended for someone else and had been delivered to the wrong apartment number but it wasn’t. It had my name and my address on it. I wonder what Kimberleigh thought as she was standing there next to me.

I snapped out of it and I handed Kimberleigh the flowers to help me bring up as my hands were already full from holding onto our dinner and my other package and went up to my apartment. Unwrapping it revealed this neat bouquet of flowers in a clear vase and this wonderful rosey scent.

I still couldn’t believe it. I didn’t understand it. I read the note that accompanied it and as I had suspected, it came from my girlfriend. My girlfriend in Russia.

I have never received this type of attention before and the thought that she cares so much about me to send me flowers makes my heart melt a bit. I felt a bunch of emotions and till now, still not sure what. A mixture of “how did I find someone so caring” to “what in the world did I do to deserve this kindness.” One thing does stand out though, I’m happy. I feel a bit less alone in this world and I can’t wait to see her.